The evolution of a friendship; the truth about Jen and "M"

I have not written for several days now. I had a very rough weekend. I want to take some time now to write about friendships.


Men and Women are very different creatures. A man does not feel the need to share his ups and downs with other men. It’s difficult to even get some men to open up to their wives. Women, however, thrive on making connections with other women. Our friends, much like our families, become an intricate part of who we are. Time and time again we see the relationships between women being played out in movies and on television. The sad reality though is that many women have a very difficult time finding meaningful relationships, or even meeting friends at all.

It seems that while we all seem to crave that bond, there are also many of us will intentionally or unintentionally sabotage our friendships. When the saboteur does this, the victim is often left wondering what went wrong. In truth, both parties may be the victim here. Due to circumstances, some women may feel unworthy of the love of a friend.

This, I believe, is the reason for my 23 year long relationship ending this past weekend. I met “Miss M” when we were teenagers. Both of us were struggling through some difficult times and met in a group home for troubled teens. I was suffering from depression; she was tossed there while her parents went through their divorce. For reasons unknown to either of us, we bonded during those few months. We were so incredibly different, yet we formed a friendship that would survive many ups and downs for over two decades.

“M” was a sexually promiscuous girl; she went from one boy to the next looking for the love and acceptance she was never given by her selfish parents. I came from a very loving home with both of my parents who have been married for over 50 years now. I was a rebellious teenager who smoked, drank, and took drugs. Like I said we were two very different people. I was into heavy metal music; “M” was into pop. “M” taught me about boys; I taught “M” to smoke. We were like two halves of a whole.

Both of our lives changed dramatically at the age of 17. “M” had enough of the back and forth between her parents; neither parent seemed to want “M.” She found a young man to attach herself to and was emancipated and married. Within two weeks “M” found another man she liked better and left her husband for him. She found out she was pregnant and had an abortion. She didn’t know which man was the father. Eventually she got an annulment from her husband and married the new boyfriend, “C.”

“M” and “C” had a strained relationship; “M” was always accusing “C” of cheating on her or of thinking about other women. She was physically abusive to “C.” “M” and “C” managed to stay together and had three beautiful children. Unfortunately, this life she had found was not enough to make “M” happy. She cheated on “C.” “C” was deeply hurt by this, but he chose to forgive his wife. “M” and “C” went into marital counseling and things seemed like they were improving. “M” began to trust her husband and really fall in love with him; and then “C” was struck with a deadly cancer. Together they battle the cancer for four long years. “C” passed away when he was only 34 years old; they had been married for 12 years.

Within a matter of months “M” was dating another man and ended up pregnant. She and her new boyfriend got married and eventually added another child to their family. “M” is desperately unhappy about the choices she has made since “C” passed away. Her current husband is nine years younger than herself, she is experiencing many of the jealousy issues she originally had with “C” and she is remembering that not all men are created with the same loving heart the “C” was.

Did I mention “M” is obsessed with her physical appearance? She strives to be as thin as she can be, works out religiously and never eats more than once per day. I believe she has never valued herself beyond her physical being.

“M” and I were in Jr. High when we met. “M” was not very fond of my partying ways which caused the first drift in our relationship during our High School years.

It is important to mention one other person involved with “M” before I move on. Let’s see, I can’t call her “M” even thought that is her first initial. I will call her “W” for whore. “Wow, that’s harsh” you say, you will not think much better of her when you hear this part of the story.

“M” and “W” went to High School together; I had dropped out by that time. “M” met “C” through “C’s” sister who was also friends with “W.” Did I lose you there? I will give you a second to reread that. OK, “M” and “W” were high school friends. “W” was appealing to “M” I believe because she had the same low morals involving sex that “M” had. “M” always had a way of selecting friends that had the same promiscuous issues as she. For whatever reason, she is drawn to that sexuality. I being the non-sexual one at the time was not the preferred friend.

The night “M” cheated on “C,” “W” was there. In my most humble opinion, friends do not let friends drink and cheat! That was the first time I began to dislike “W.” In the weeks that followed “M” and “W” rented a corvette and drove to Texas to “clear their heads.” What it ended up being was a drunken party fest. Men were brought back to the hotel. The story I was told was that the two girls were drugged and raped. I have never believed this story; I believe they purposely brought the men back to their room.

“W” has left her husband and children to be with another man. When the man left her, she went back to her husband and children. “W’s” husband is a drug addict. “W” is a highly unstable person. Her life is always filled with some type of drama.  And she always encourages the same bad behavior from "M."

The one positive thing I will say for “W” is that she was there for “M” during her husband’s illness and death, I was not. Not in the way I should have been. But by that time, the bridge had already begun to burn and I myself was having a terrible time dealing with her husband’s illness. I gave the best support I felt I could at that time. Looking back, I do wish I had done more. We had just really drifted too far apart.

OK, let me even this up by telling you my side of things. By the age of 15, I had given up on the drugs and alcohol. I still had a lot of issues to deal with though. At 17, I found myself pregnant. I had my daughter shortly after I turned 18. Six months later I was pregnant with baby number two. I had my second daughter when I was 19. Six months after her birth, I met my husband and left the abusive man who fathered my two daughters. Before my second daughters first birthday I was married. I have been married to my husband for 17 years now. He adopted my daughters, and we have a son together. That is about as exciting as my life gets! Well not really, but I have been in wedded domestic bliss all these years raising my children building a strong and loving relationship with my husband and living a fairly quiet life.

I believe my friendship with “M” has endured because I represented the stability she wants in her life. Her friendship with “W” has lasted so long because “W” represents the craziness in “M’s” life. But I did say my friendship with “M” is over.

You see I realized that I could not make that meaningful connection with “M.” I had allowed her to use me all these years to bring stability back into her life. It was painful for me. Each time she became stable again, she would find herself pulled toward “W.” And each time things got too intense with “W,” “M” would seek me out again. She had taken it for granted that I would always be there for her, because I always was. I, in turn, allowed her back and forth behavior to taint my view of friendships. I allowed myself to become distrustful of other women.

I have had several friendships over the years, but none that even came close to being what I was personally looking for. Part of that was due to not wanting to find myself in the same used position I had been in time and time again. But I realized finally that I was looking for something, anything, to make my friendships not work.

See, “M” probably never felt worthy of the love and friendship I was offering. In turn, I believe I never felt I would be good enough for a friend to stick with me. We both became victims. I think many women find themselves in this same position.

I believe we are all looking for someone we can share ourselves with on a different level than we experience with our husbands. We enjoy sitting and chatting about anything. From the frivolous to the serious; women enjoy connecting with other women.

For me, this is the proverbial door closing, so that others may open. “M,” I wish you nothing but peace and happiness always.